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Grief is a normal emotional response of suffering, which happens after the loss of a very strong emotional connection, whether with a person, animal, object or with an immaterial good, such as employment, for example.
This response to loss varies widely from person to person, so there is no specific period of time to determine how long each person's grief should last. Still, the American Psychiatric Association has defined some parameters to help identify pathological grief, which is unhealthy and must be treated.
The way each person grieves depends on several factors such as the relationship they had with the deceased, the type of family or social support and the personality of each person.
Main stages of mourning
The grieving process is very different from one person to another, so there are several ways to express the feelings that death and loss can cause. However, it is common for the grieving process to be divided into 5 phases:
1. Denial and isolation
Upon receiving the news that something or someone with whom one had a very strong connection has been lost, it is very possible that, in the first phase, the person does not believe the news, being possible to observe a denial reaction.
This reaction can also be accompanied by a withdrawal from other people, which usually serves to help alleviate the pain and other negative effects that this type of news brings.
2. Anger
In the second phase, after the person has denied the event, feelings of anger often arise, which can be accompanied by other signs such as constant crying and easy annoyance, even with friends and family. There may still be restlessness and anxiety.
3. Bargain
After experiencing feelings of anger and indignation, it is normal for the person to continue to have some difficulty in accepting reality and, therefore, can try to reach an agreement to get out of the situation they are experiencing. At this stage, the person may even try to make a deal with God, so that everything goes back to how it was before.
This type of bargaining varies from person to person and is often done unconsciously, unless you are being followed up with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
4. Depression
During this phase the person enters the process of getting used to the situation and, therefore, there may be feelings of fragility, insecurity, hurt and nostalgia.
It is at this stage that the person begins to have a greater sense of reality and that what happened cannot be resolved. It is also at this stage that monitoring with a psychologist is recommended to help adapt to the new reality, in order to enter the last phase of mourning.
5. Acceptance
This is the final phase of the grieving process, in which the person begins to recover the habits he had before the event that caused the loss, resuming his normal daily routine. It is from this stage that the person also becomes more available for social relationships with friends and family.
How to overcome the grieving process
The loss of a loved one is an event that happens in the lives of almost everyone and is accompanied by many emotions and feelings. Some strategies that can help during the process are:
- Take the necessary time: everyone is different and experiences the same event in a specific way. That way, there is no time that determines when someone should feel good. The important thing is that each person lives the process at their own pace, without feeling pressured;
- Learn to accept pain and loss: one should avoid looking for other ways to occupy time and mind, since avoiding thinking about the situation, using work or physical exercise, for example, can end up delaying the process of mourning and prolonging suffering;
- Express what you feel: it is not recommended to inhibit emotions and feelings during the grieving process and, therefore, it is recommended to express what you are feeling. There should be no shame or fear to cry, shout or talk to other people close to you or a psychologist or psychiatrist, for example;
- Join a support group: this is a good option for those who do not want to do individual sessions with a professional. In these groups, several people who are going through similar situations talk about what they are feeling and their experience can help others;
- Surround yourself with loved ones: spending time with people you care about and who have stories in common to share, facilitates the grieving process, especially if they are related to the person, animal or object that has been lost.
In addition to these strategies, it is always a good option to consult a specialist, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, who will be able to assess the case and suggest other options to help you better overcome the grieving process.
How to deal with grief in children
Having to explain to a child that someone special has passed is not an easy task, however, there are some strategies that can help make the process a little easier and less traumatic, such as:
- Speaking the truth: hiding some facts can make the grieving experience more painful and confusing, because the child may not find a meaning for what is happening;
- Expressing motions and feelings: this is a way of showing that the child can also feel the same type of emotions and that this is something completely normal;
- Do not ask for another person: parents are usually the most important emotional figures for the child and, therefore, they must be present at the time of the news to provide some security. If this is not possible, the news must be given by someone emotionally close, such as the grandfather, the grandmother or the uncle, for example;
- Choosing a calm place: this avoids unnecessary interruptions and allows a closer contact with the child, in addition to creating an environment in which it is easier to express feelings;
- Do not use too many details: ideally, the news should be given in a simple, clear and honest way, without including more complicated or shocking details, at least at an early stage.
Child grief varies widely with age, so these strategies may need to be adapted. Thus, consulting a child psychologist can be an excellent way to help guide the child's grieving process.
It is also important to know that there is no ideal time to break the news to the child and, therefore, one should not wait for the "right moment", as this can create greater anxiety and delay the grieving process.
When to go to the psychologist or psychiatrist
Seeking professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist can be a good way to ensure that a healthy grieving process can be achieved. However, most people can also manage their own grief, so if you are not comfortable, it is not always necessary to seek professional help.
However, there are cases in which mourning can be considered "unhealthy" or pathological, especially when feelings are extremely intense or last for more than 12 months, in the case of adults, or for more than 6 months, in the case of children . In these situations, professional monitoring is essential.
Some signs that may indicate an "unhealthy" mourning process, if they continue for several months, are:
- Persistent desire to be with the person who got lost;
- Having difficulty believing in the death of a loved one;
- Feeling self-guilt;
- Desire to die to be with the person;
- Losing confidence in others;
- Having no more will to live;
- Having difficulty maintaining friendships or daily activities;
- Not being able to plan ahead;
- Feeling disproportionate suffering with what is considered "normal".
This type of mourning can arise in anyone or age, however, it is more common in women.